Best Picture What I think will win: The Artist

This movie reeks of the Oscars: it’s literally about the golden age of Hollywood, it’s therefore nostalgic and it’s masterfully shot in black and white without being stale. The fact that the film is mostly silent but already has an impressive set of accolades and box office numbers shows that it is an artistic risk that deserves to be rewarded.

What I hope will win: The Descendants

Against my better judgment, I had a soft spot for this one. It made me cry five times in theaters (un- precedented) and managed to tie together crazy plot twists and a lot of highs and lows. Amazingly, the superb writing allowed me to enjoy Shailene Woodley’s acting (the lead in the abysmal Secret Life of the American Teenager, and, fun fact, Marissa Cooper’s original little sister in   i)

What will cause me to die of cardiac arrest if it wins: The Tree of Life

Putting incomprehensible, muttered narration about absolutely nothing over random vignettes of Midwestern life and shots of the universe coming into being does not make art. I only managed to watch 20 minutes of this, and I always finish movies. I will legitimately be offended if something this pretentious wins.

Actor in a Leading Role Who I think will win: George Clooney

It’s Clooney’s year. And he was actually really good in The Descendants. And he’s just too likeable to deprive of an Oscar. End of story.

Who I hope will win: George Clooney

Also, I love him. Age is only a number.

Who will cause me to die of cardiac arrest if he wins: Gary Oldman

Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy was abysmal and deliberately opaque. Having a British accent, delivering unintelligible lines and being Gary Oldman should not be the criteria for an Oscar.

Actress in a Leading Role Who I think will win: Meryl Streep

She’s gotten too many nominations to be de- prived yet again, and she managed to both realistically and sympathetically portray Margaret Thatcher. I also secretly want her to be my mom.

Who I hope will win: Viola Davis

I have hopes for all the ladies of The Help, which I really thought was fabulous. Even in this cast, Davis stood out.

Who will cause me to die of cardiac arrest if she wins: Rooney Mara

I actually like all of the nominees in this category. But Rooney Mara has been striking me as a tad ungrateful in her recent interviews, so I kind of want her to lose and eat some much-needed humble pie.

Actor in a Supporting Role:

I actually really don’t care about any of these nominees.

Actress in a Supporting Role: Who I think will win: Octavia Spencer

She won the Golden Globe already, and she struck the perfect balance of hilarious and sympathetic in The Help.

Who I hope will win: Jessica Chastain

Clearly I have a bias for The Help. But Chastain really broke out this year with a bunch of great movies and I’d like to see her rewarded. Plus she’s just so cute!

Who will cause me to die of cardiac arrest if she wins: Melissa McCarthy

Don’t get me wrong, I love Bridesmaids (just ask my roommate, our quoting obsession is un- healthy). But no one’s performance was Oscar- worthy, much less McCarthy’s. (I really hope none of the cast ever reads this, because I love them and really think we would be friends if we had more opportunities to hang out.)

Cinematography: What I think will win: War Horse

Even though they struck me as funny, the shots of the horse looked nice in the trailers. What I hope will win: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

They did some pretty cool stuff with snowy, dark Sweden. What will cause me to die of cardiac arrest if it wins: The Tree of Life

(Refer to my “Best Picture” explanation of why this film deserves no awards...)

More films that get my vote:

Costume Design: Jane Eyre

I am a sucker for any period piece, and this one’s an adaptation of a Brontë novel to boot.

Directing: Midnight in Paris

Everything about this movie was controlled and executed perfectly. Woody Allen, the man in charge, deserves a golden statue.

Film Editing: The Descendants

This movie flowed perfectly. All the cuts were just right.

Makeup: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows 2

The goblin makeup featurette on the Blu-ray disc gave me mad respect for the makeup artists.

Writing (Original Screenplay): Midnight in Paris

I’m not usually one for time travel storylines, but this was just so beautiful and nostalgic.

Writing (Adapted Screenplay): The Ides of March

The story had both urgency and gravity while the dialogue remained fresh and relatable.