By Artist formerly known as This Sunday, Scripps College President Lori Bettison-Varga has confirmed that. President of the United States Barack Obama will be replacing Zainab Salbi as commencement speaker. Based on a decision reached collaboratively between Presidents Bettison-Varga and Obama, and agreed upon as “the best possible decision for all concerned” by Salbi.
According to the White House press release on the matter, Obama has decided that he can “only grace the best of women’s colleges [with his presence]” and as a result has decided to revoke his original decision to speak at Barnard College, instead speaking at the best women’s college in the nation: Scripps. Salbi, though extremely qualified as a commencement speaker for a women’s college due to her active involvement in women’s issues, was ousted from her position as speaker with a terse and excited e-mail from the College, reading “Got Obama to replace you as speaker. Were really excited for you to come and everything, but OBAMA, man! Obama. Thanks anyway!” Salbi graciously conceded to be replaced by a more publicity garnering,though less qualified speaker.Obama’s lack of an extensive background in women’s issues will make his speech much less inspiring, and much less relevant. Obama is known to be a horrible public speaker, and his strange cadences and lackluster rhetoric will likely put the entire graduating class of 2012 (and their families) to sleep. This change in speaker is clearly a ploy for publicity, a fact that Scripps College and the White House have both conceded. Said Obama, “Of course they only want me because I’m the President of these United States of America. But I am honored and humbled just for the magnificent opportunity to visit Scripps. Yes, I do feel guilty about replacing Salbi, and about backing out of my agreement with Barnard. But SCRIPPS, man! Scripps.” “I apologize on behalf of Scripps College for this devastating change of events,” said a representative from the Scripps College Public Relations department. “Obama just really wanted to get some national recognition by coming to Scripps, and it’s not like you can just say no to a president. We’ll try to get him to keep it short.” In spite of these words of comfort, Scripps seniors are in an uproar in the wake of Sunday’s announcement. “I’m extremely upset,” said one Scripps senior, who tearily declined to be identified by name. “Obama doesn’t even have a vagina, so it’s not appropriate for him to be speaking at a women’s college.” “Really, if you don’t have a vagina you shouldn’t be allowed on campus,” added The Scripps Voice Sex Columnist, SHE. “I would like to see that birth certificate again. Does it say ‘vagina-possessor’ anywhere on it?” Though many anticipate that Obama’s arrival on campus will overshadow the seniors’ exit, President Bettison-Varga assures students that this will not be the case. Nothing could possibly overshadow a Scripps College Graduation. Ever. Though many might say that a public figure as eminent as the President of the United States might garner some positive publicity for the institution, Obama will in fact be bringing shame to Scripps College and to feminism in general. The theme for President Obama’s commencement speech will be “You Girls Look So Pretty in Sea-Foam Green, Good Luck Finding Jobs! Eff Yeah, America!”