By Tinkerbell Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton announced Tuesday night in a prime-time, televised address that feminism is over due to the acheivement of gender equality. “The day we’ve been awaiting for over 100 years has finally arrived,” said Clinton. “Gender equality has finally been achieved in America.” President Barack Obama later added that he is glad feminism has finally won its battle. “It has long been said that many other social problems are also embedded in sexism. This is, therefore, a great leap toward equality in general.” A White House aide, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, said that the CIA had brought the information to the President’s attention earlier this week. The White House was informed that there had been no reports of sexism, harassment, enforcement of gender norms, or “general patriarchal bullshit” for about a month, meaning that the feminist move- ment, which has long pushed for the end of these practices, has achieved its goals. Clinton also said a grand ceremony officially marking the closing of the movement and honoring its accomplishments would be held on the National Mall next week and televised internationally. A list of speakers will soon be released. Congress reconvened Wednesday, following the announcement with hugging and tears of joy. News stations took a day off from reporting on the war in Afghanistan and other foreign policy matters to give the announcement the attention and discussion it deserved. “Today is a great day for the American people,” said Bill O’Reilly, host of Fox News’ The O’Reilly Factor. “I’m so glad that I lived to see it.” Fox, MSNBC and CNN also announced a merger of the three stations. The CEO of Turner Broadcasting System, the owner of CNN, Phillip I. Kent said yesterday, “We decided to do this because we felt that America is all on the same page. We think that combining our resources now, without having to worry about variations in opinion, is the best way to bring the most accurate news to our viewers.
“I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders,” radio show host Rush Limbaugh said on his show Tuesday. “I was really beginning to hate myself.”
The world congratulated America on its success. The United Nations released a statement saying “the world would do well to follow in America’s footsteps,” and passed a resolution that any sexist persons shall now be sent to America to learn how to treat people equally.
North Korean state television reported supreme leader Kim Jong-un as saying, “We want to be just like you, America! Way to go!” Scripps College President Lori Bettison-Varga announced yesterday that “given current developments, there is no need for women’s colleges anymore. Though it is too late to do so for the Fall 2012 semester, Scripps will accept transfers students from any gender for Spring 2013, and in the fall of 2013, we will admit our first fully co-educational class.” Scripps has already taken the phrase “The Women’s College” off of its logo, and made all of its pronouns gender- neutral. Other changes necessary for the switch will happen over the summer.