Pandora's Box: Long Live the Labes

Anonymous In keeping with our lady-themed issue, I felt it would only be appropriate to dedicate this sex column to educating all y’all novices on the ever-intricate process of bringing your female companion to that sensational, delectable, oh-Oh-OH all-encompassing orgasm. This isn’t “Cosmo,” I’m not going to preach about the g-spot, and I’m not going to indulge in your favorite fetishes (though it pains me).

1. Consent! Consent! Consent!

It should be obvious why this is the first thing I’m touching on. First thing that’s going to stop a lady—or, really, anyone—from enjoying sex? Explicit unwillingness. Disrespect, assault, and cruel inhumane behavior are not sexy. Rape is not sexy. No discussion.

2. Foreplay exists for a reason.

Vaginas aren’t built to absorb every penetrating object on command. The vaginal canal expands between half an inch and two inches during arousal, and you know what arouses me? Being touched, tittilated, licked, sucked, grabbed, rubbed, gently caressed by the tips of your fingers. You know what doesn’t? Having something shoved up my puss with no introduction. Seriously. And beyond that, what’s the point of skipping foreplay? Isn’t sex supposed to be fun and enjoyable?

Sex is a process, and no, I’m not saying you have to take me out to dinner or whip out any of your lame jokes or light candles. All I’m saying is there’s no rush. Foreplay doesn’t even have to last that long. A little build up goes a long way and can make your partner even more excited for what’s to come.

3. Introducing yourself to our feline friend.

Now that you’ve effectively explored each other’s bodies, a proper introduction to the pussy is in order. First thing’s first: long nails hurt. As a consideration to those of us with the highest concentration of nerves in our clitorises and vaginal canals, please trim your nails. Vaginal blood is not a welcome participant in my sex life.

Testing the waters is also important. If your lady is not properly wetted, your fingers will not feel good in there. Lubrication is important, and also a good indication of whether or not your foreplay performance was thorough enough. If your lady is moist between the thighs, starting with one finger, then adding more (as they are requested) is considerate. The ‘come hither’ (or ‘arrrrg’) finger position is favored by many women – basically anything is better than boring strait in and out (especially because hitting the cervix HURTS. A LOT. And can be a consequence of mindless deep penetration).

4. Licking the puss.

Now it’s time to say hello. I’ve heard, from successful sources, that the alphabet is nice way to hit all the bases. For those of you who never learned your ABC’s, all I’m trying to say is to change it up. Make shapes, draw a freaking boat, I don’t care. Just don’t fool yourself into thinking your tongue only functions on an x-y axis.

Also, that hole? It’s open. And, with permission, I implore you to explore that tempting, hidden space. Oral gives much room for improvisation, and I trust you have an imagination.

In an effort to avoid the limitations of heternormative journalism and not eat up too much of your time, I’ll have to cut my lesson short. Ultimately, consent and communication are really the two most important factors when satisfying your partner. ‘Pillow talk’ isn’t limited to porn-star moans and heavy breathing, and no one can read your mind. So if your sex life is lacking, tell your partner what you want and don’t be afraid to expand your mind sometimes. Happy belated V(agina)-Day, y’all!