Anonymous Seniors slowly emerging from their thesis caves, freshmen bitterly recalling hall draw results, bikini-clad girls roaming sun-soaked Scripps lawns. Yes, spring has sprung and summer is slowly creeping up behind it. Now’s your last chance to finish (read: start) the group projects your professor knows are inconvenient, stress-eat through the remainder of your flex (and if you have flex leftover, god bless you), and have raunchy sex with the black-haired vixen in your calculus class. I, personally, prefer my sexcapades to be memorable or, I guess, as memorable as they can be after sipping on some magic juice. Considering we no longer have to concern ourselves with uncomfortable encounters in the pho line at the dining hall, I say go out with a bang. I proudly present you with my list of places just begging to be fucked in, and thoroughly implore you to try out some consensual cunnilingus (and more) at any of these locales.
1. The Margaret Fowler Garden
This one’s a little tricky, considering the garden is closed and locked every night and weekend, but I’ve heard there’s a way around the administration’s feeble attempts to keep roving romantics at bay (tree climbing isn’t just for kids). I think what makes me tingle the most about the Margaret Fowler Garden is the utter serenity that encompasses that space. There’s a chapel, for Christ’s sake. The idea of penetrating such a calm vibe with the soothing sounds of moaning mates makes me giggle with delight.
2. The CMC Fishbowl
Look, the fishbowl has been up for almost two years now, and I still have yet to hear about two drunk students boning in there after a rowdy round of TNC. C’mon, Claremont McKenna, get it together and get it on in the most outrageously public way possible. God forbid some hooligans from Pomona defile your precious cube before you do!
I’m not going to specify which library because, to be frank, I encourage y’all to bone in Denison or Honnold-Mudd (or both). The Scripps website describes Denison’s Gothic-inspired décor as one that “create(s) an environment encouraging learning and reflection,” and I can’t help but agree. Whenever I’m in there I want to learn what titillates people and reflect on how many times I can orgasm before the librarian shushes us. Honnold-Mudd, on the other hand, is a much more proud endeavor. Dozing off trying to write that fifteen-page paper on the art of the meme for your Genre Theory class? I can think of one invigorating activity to get you through the night, and I’m pretty sure the blonde buried in neuro notes you’ve been eyeing for the past hour wouldn’t mind a little pick-me-up, either.
4. Pomona College Farm
This is arguably the most ambiguous place on the list. From the Greek Theatre to the crunchy paths of the East Farm to the athletic field, there are enough locations to keep you occupied well into the sunrise, which I’ve heard is quite beautiful to witness while naked on top of the Adobe Dome eating fresh-picked loquats. The only real setback is that there are no bathrooms anywhere near the farm, but I mean, come on. Once you start fucking in the woods, peeing outside becomes mere child’s play.
This must be timed correctly. Getting humped by a large, dark figure silhouetted in a demonic red isn’t something I’d like to experience, but hey, if that’s what you’re into, go for it.
6. Frary Dining Hall
I can think of few things that would be better than boning under the agonized eye of a dickless Prometheus. In addition to making me feel like an odd vigilante (they painted over his divine member, he deserves to see someone getting down), the stage is the perfect platform for fornicating. Also, have you noticed how sultry the lighting in there is when they drop all the overheads and just light up the stage? It’s as if the electrician wanted college students to get it on there.
In all honesty, I could fill this entire issue with great places to get down. However, space is limited and I don’t want y’all invading all of my favorite fucking locales. Get creative and have fun. This is the one mischievous activity you can engage in that Camp Sec isn’t eager to write you up for.