Sex Column

Luena Maillard ‘20

Sex Columnist

What’s the difference between a fetish and a kink? Is there even a difference?

-Confused

Hey ‘Confused’!

There actually is a difference, although the words are often incorrectly used interchangeably. It can be a little confusing, but basically, anything can be a kink. Now what can get confusing is that any kink can be a fetish. The KEY difference is that a kink is something you enjoy having in sexual scenarios, and a fetish is something you need for sexual scenarios to take place. I’ll give an example: someone who has a foot kink gets turned on by feet and enjoys interacting with feet during sex, but wouldn’t need feet to get turned on or have sexual experiences occur. A person with a foot fetish, however, would not be able to get turned on or have sexual scenarios without being stimulated by feet in some way.

Photograph courtesy of Dr. Kat Smith

Photograph courtesy of Dr. Kat Smith

Can you explain fetishization of races?

-Anonymous

Hey ‘Anonymous’!

Racial fetishism occurs when a person fetishizes people belonging to a different race or ethnic group. It inherently relies on racial stereotyping, as it involves the desire for a person of another race or ethnicity because they are expected to have certain stereotypical characteristics. Some more overt examples could include a person being attracted to Asian women because they consider them “submissive”, liking POC in general because they are “exotic”, or a person being attracted to black men because “they have large penises ”. Let it be clear that racial fetishism is not only racist but dehumanizing, as it promotes the erasure of the individual since you are not viewing the person you are attracted to as a whole being. It is harmful and is unfortunately far too prevalent.

I have trouble orgasming if my partner cums first, when he does orgasm, I feel like the sex is over and I feel insecure asking to continue. How do I communicate to him this subtly or in a way that won't make me super embarrassed?

- Hopelessly Overthinking This

Hey ‘Hopelessly Overthinking This’!

Communication is a crucial part of any relationship, including a sexual one, and I do think you need to express what you are thinking about to your partner. The problem is, as usual, that this is easier said than done, especially when involving sex. You must remember that sex is a two-way street, your pleasure is just as important as your partner’s, and if you are feeling unsatisfied you’ll need to voice it or likely nothing will change. There is no definition for when sex should “end”, and your own pleasure should not be dependent on whether you come before your partner. If you need to be subtler in your approach, an idea would be phrasing it positively in terms of whatever they were doing/what you want them to do after they orgasm and you do not. An example could be: “that felt so good, please keep going” or “I’m so close, can you please [insert preference here].” Your partner should not be making you feel embarrassed or wrong for asking or trying to discuss this. You might feel a little uncomfortable, but it is always essential that your needs have a voice in a sexual relationship.

Image courtesy of Langley Communication Services.

Image courtesy of Langley Communication Services.