Pride and Prejudice and Condoms: Part Two

Written by Sophia Rosenthal ‘17, Sex Columnist

*The following work is strictly fictional. Any similarities to real life are completely coincidental. I am absolutely not writing about you, I promise. Any similarities to the characters in Jane Austen’s novel are due to the fact that I am indeed stealing her characters.*

Lizzie, Jane, and Lydia had strolled onto North Quad earlier than was usual for a Friday, so when Lydia’s friend Emily scuffled up to them excitedly, they were unprepared for the breathless excitement that greeted them: “You guys! Guess what I heard!” This was a rather typical utterance in Lydia’s group of friends. Nevertheless, what followed this time was just as unpredicted for Jane and Lizzie as it was for their youngest sister.

“Apparently,” Emily began, lowering her voice, “there’s a group of CMC alums on campus this weekend who graduated a few years ago and have already made, like, millions on their startup.” “Let’s all find rich husbands tonight!” Lydia sang. “Lydia, have you learned nothing at Scripps?!”

“Jaaaane. How cool would it be to hook up with an alum? Even you can’t deny it”

“Oh yeah, super cool,” Lizzie rolled her eyes. “Instead of a disappointing night, you can have a disappointing night with someone who can afford to buy you fries from In-N- Out the next morning!”

Lydia ignored her, and she and Emily wandered off to find their future husbands. Jane and Lizzie wandered off to find better music and something to drink.

Two hours later, everyone found what they were looking for at the Senior Apartments. Or at least, Jane and Lizzie found beats and beverage, and Lydia and Emily found the giant crowd containing the two alums in question. The eldest Bennett sisters were dancing on a couch when Lydia called out to them, grabbing them by the arms and dragging them outside. “Guys! You have to meet Will and Charlie! They’re so cool and...” she paused, lowering her voice, “they’re so hot.” Before either of them could say “go home, Lydia, you’re drunk,” they were shaking hands with Charlie Bingley and Will Darcy.

The young entrepreneurs were wearing button-downs with the sleeves rolled up, cologne that definitely wasn’t Old Spice, and expressions of mild bewilderment. Charlie was friendly, and spoke with Jane for some time about her Philosophy thesis (he’d taken a class with her advisor back in the day), and both girls were thrilled that he was so genuine, so cute, and even better, so interested in Jane.

Jane walked the reluctant Lydia back to her dorm at Scripps, and Lizzie walked back to the Apartments alone. She saw Charlie and Will, but had little interest in approaching them without Jane, since Charlie was clearly interested in her sister, and Will seemed incapable of being interested in anyone who wasn’t also rich and boring.

As she walked past them unnoticed, she heard her sister’s name: “Jane seems really cool.” It was Bingley.

“Yeah, you gonna hit that? Dude, are we gonna be those creepy alums?” Darcy smirked.

Bingley laughed, “Nah, I don’t know. I’ll see what happens.”

Lizzie listened, annoyed but not at all surprised. “What about her sister, what’s her name, Lizzie?” Bingley continued. “She’s pretty cute.”

“She’s alright,” Lizzie could hear the annoyed shrug in Darcy’s voice. “But I mean as far as Scrippsies go, she’s, like, barely tolerable.”

“Wow, that seems unreasonably harsh, even for you,” his friend laughed.

Lizzie, suddenly not in the mood to party, found her friend Charlotte and walked back to Scripps. She considered kicking both Darcy and Bingley in the shins as she walked by.

They ran into Jane walking the other way. “You guys are heading back already?” she asked, not trying to hide the slight disappointment in her voice. “Yeah. Trust me, there’s nothing--and no one--worth sticking around for.”

“Okay, well...I told Charlie and Will I’d come back, but-”

“Charlie has your number, right? He can text you if he really wants to see you again. And don’t even talk to me about that Will guy. He’s a classic douche.”

Jane, Lizzie, and Charlotte walked back to Scripps together to watch Grey’s Anatomy. Charlie Bingley made the rounds and talked to several girls; he thought about Jane the entire time. Will Darcy watched his friend make small talk. At 1am, he walked back to the apartment they were staying in to finish a project, like a good little businessman. All in all, the evening had been tolerable.

Will Darcy shook their hands politely and then stood back, awkwardly checking his phone and avoiding eye contact with Lizzie, who, after getting nothing but short, curt responses from the preoccupied alum, had determined him to be predictably boring and self-centered. Lizzie excused herself to go check on Lydia, who had wandered off with the baseball team. Jane, always looking after her sisters, went with her, after telling Charlie she would be right back.