The Final Word on Feminism

By Star Schneider ‘16Copy Editor

This Features section raises a lot of ideas about what it means to be a feminist. What is good feminism? What is bad feminism? Never fear, for I’m here to straighten out any misconceptions you, dear reader, might have about what it takes to be a feminist! It’s not an easy path in life, but I’ll be damned if it isn’t the only right one. The Rules of Feminist Living, or “R.O.F.L.” for us serious feminists, are actually quite simple and very easy to follow! There are only five of them!

So sit back and relax. Your path to feminist greatness has already begun. Here are the Rules of Feminist Living.

1. First off, you must be a woman. I cannot stress this enough. Only women are allowed to be feminists. It’s in the very name after all. I don’t care about all this nonsense about being able to support my struggle even if you’re not struggling yourself. Anyone that tells you men can be feminists is wrong. In fact, they’re probably a member of the patriarchy (hereon known as “the Man”) trying to confuse you so you won’t notice when they give you a smaller paycheck than your male coworker. Don’t listen to them. And if you’re reading this and you’re a man, then what are you doing? Put this newspaper down and get back to oppressing me!

2. Remember, it’s not about equal rights. This is a common misconception a lot of people have. We don’t want equality, we want superiority! Come on, it’s the least men can do for years and years of subjugation. It might seem a bit strange, but hear me out! I mean, it’s not as if many people seem to care that the wage gap in the United States is about 77%, with women earning less than their male counterparts. So why can’t we flip the gap and have women come out on top for once? So remember, it’s not about demanding the fair treatment afforded to you as a member of the human race, it’s about the superior treatment afforded to you as a member of the female gender!

3. No makeup. Ever. Makeup is another tool of the Man. It exists for only two purposes, neither of them feminist: to make you feel bad about your self-image and to attract men. It’s not as if you’re putting on makeup as a mode of self-expression, or simply because you like the way that eyeliner goes with your eye color. Heck, it’s not as if you’re not even interested in men, let alone interested at that moment in attracting them to you like moths to a fabulous-looking flame. Bras are banned. You shouldn’t even own a bra, let alone wear one. Why do you think we serious feminists have a reputation as bra-burners? Because we are! If you have a bra in your possession and it’s not on fire, you’re doing feminism wrong. (Note: The Scripps Voice does not endorse arson in any form.) Screw the support and comfort a nice bra can provide you, it’s just another lie the Man tries to tell you—you don’t need support, you’re a self-sufficient feminist, dammit!

4. The media is your enemy. This means no enjoying anything that would offend the feminist you are; that’s just what the Man wants. That’s right. Rom-coms and songs that put women in anything but a positive light are out. I don’t care how attractive Hugh Grant was in “Love Actually,” or how catchy the music was in “Mamma Mia,” you can’t watch them unless it’s to provide an example of the Man putting you down through heartwarming stories and Swedish pop.

5. There is only one branch of feminism, and it is the branch laid out in this article. Anyone who tells you these rules are bullshit, and that this article is propagating every insulting thing people mistakenly attribute to feminism is lying, and secretly an agent of the Man. Those claims about me being a straw feminist are completely unfounded! In fact, I’m pretty sure I have hay fever!

Being a feminist, and proclaiming that you are to those around you, is important. Feminism isn’t just a lifestyle, a way of being, or a philosophy. Calling yourself a feminist is a signal to the world around you that you think it needs to change. It’s a sign that you think women deserve better than how they’re treated. It’s an identifier that lets people know that you’re not going to just sit back and accept lesser pay, a screwed-up and biased legal system, or constant suggestions that any talent you have is in spite of your gender. I’m proud to say that I’m a feminist.