Pride & Prejudice & Condoms

By Sophia Rosenthal ‘17
Sex Columnist

*The following work is strictly fictional. Any similarities to real life are completely coincidental. I am absolutely not writing about you, I promise. Any similarities to the characters in Jane Austen’s novel are due to the fact that I am indeed stealing her characters.*

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student in possession of a new semester and tons of homework must be in want of lots and lots of sex. Thus begins the story of the Bennet sisters as they embark on a new semester at Scripps College.

The eldest sister Jane Bennett, a senior English and Philosophy major, was in a serious relationship for most of her sophomore and junior year, but has since found herself quietly single and sleeping with a pile of thesis books in lieu of another warm human body.

Lizzy Bennett, the second eldest (also a senior) has had a small but memorable number of sexual encounters over the past four years, all of which have ranged from pretty good to devastatingly mediocre. Preoccupied as she is with doing research for her psychology thesis, she has resolved that all hook ups - may they be infrequent and emotionless - be nothing less than mind-blowing. And never with any gentlemen from Claremont McKenna College.

Mary Bennett has already decided that her junior year will be the best ever. Having officially declared a double major in chemistry and French, she’s excited to apply for internships and visit her girlfriend during fall break. Mary doesn’t have sex, and doesn’t want to anytime soon.

Kitty Bennett has swiped through everyone on Tinder within forty miles and is determined to make real connections this semester. Her Pitzer friend-with-benefits graduated last year, and she’s craving some (not necessarily intellectual) stimulation.

Lydia Bennett is so glad to finally be at Scripps with the rest of her sisters and to scope out her new classmates. She has calculated that she will probably be able to complete the 5C challenge by the time Toga Party rolls around.

As we each embark on our own stories alongside the Bennett Sisters this semester, let us not forget that we can write our own erotic narratives however we choose; we each hold the pen (take that innuendo as you will) and are free to accept or reject dances as we see fit - or to avoid the balls all together (again, take the innuendo as you please).
The sisters have many adventures ahead. So do we. Get ready, and get excited.

The Bennet Sisters enjoying a nice day on Jaqua Quad... (Photo from silverpetticoatreview.com)

The Bennet Sisters enjoying a nice day on Jaqua Quad...
(Photo from silverpetticoatreview.com)