ONE PRESIDENT TWO FUTURES

By Catalina Biesman-Simons ‘17

Staff Writer

...in the event that Trump becomes POTUS.

The Members of Parliament have resumed their debate over whether or not the President should be banned from Britain, and activist leaders are calling the move, “Trexit”. Canada is pursuing its construction project along the United States’ northern border in spite of severe cold and snow.

When questioned, one contractor said, “Sure the weather is brutal, but we have to build this wall! Have to keep the bad Yanks out of our country.” Prime Minister Trudeau insists that the U.S. will foot the bill for this monumental structure stretching from Washington to Maine. Arrangements have yet to be made concerning the northern lakes and Alaska.

China and Japan have taken similar stances toward President Donald Trump this week as the President continues to rail against them on Twitter. Whenever the U.S. economy suffers, the President takes to Twitter to blame the other nations for out doing his efforts to Make America Richer Than it Already Is. In spite of his inability to correctly pronounce “China,” the President continuesto spell it correctly. Most of the time.

Only Russia has escaped joining the 437 things that President Donald Trump has insulted on Twitter (437 at the time this article reached print, check the New York Times website for an up to date count). Pundits across the country are expressing concern that POTUS appears to spend more of his time on Twitter than in the oval office. Newt Gingrich attempted to defend these habits when he was a guest on Fox News with Megyn Kelly last night. However, despite Gingrich’s efforts to talk over Kelly, she managed to shut him down when she said, “You know what, Mr. Speaker, I’m not fascinated by the President’s Twitter habits, but I am fascinated by the governing of our country.”

A source from the President’s inner circle, who wished to remain anonymous, tells us that Megyn Kelly is not the only one concerned about the governing of our country. An aide finally explained to confused President Trump that the United States is not in fact a dictatorship, and that the phrase “checks and balances,” taught in fifth grade courses across the nation to describe the relationship between the legislative, judicial, and executive branches of government, was not a reference to his bank accounts. In light of this revelation, our source tells us that President Trump was distressed and angry (explaining the series of furious tweets published by POTUS in the wee hours of Tuesday morning). Earlier this month, the President had rekindled his feud with Macy’s, and now worries that he will spend his entire adult life fighting the department store he once claimed was, “weak on border security & stopping illegal immigration”.

In D.C. Trump has ordered a few renovations of the White House and its gardens. The first thing to go will be Michelle Obama’s vegetable patch. Sources from inside the White House tell us that the President intends to plant something much more American, like burgers, fries, and nuclear missiles instead. First Lady Melania Trump is said to have commissioned a 6-foot tall portrait of the President to display as people enter the White House. Other improvements to the White House include a legion of strategically placed mirrors so that POTUS can admire his tangerine complexion and assure himself that his hair has enough volume.

Hillary Clinton shifted her focus from low-income family support policies briefly yesterday to order a remodel on Capitol Hill. The remodel will renovate the ladies restrooms near where both the Senate and House of Representatives meet. Although the first congresswoman was elected in 1917, nearby bathrooms did not materialize until 1993 for the ladies of the Senate, and as recently as 2011 for the women of the House of Representatives. This restroom expansion is a clear message from the Clinton administration that more women are expected to enter into politics.

Other renovations include a new glass ceiling for the oval office specially designed by famous sculptor Dale Chihuly. This remodel is to address press concerns about transparency, and to remind President Clinton of her shattering election results.

This would certainly reflect the increase in women in the President’s cabinet and staff. Notable female members include Elizabeth Warren, Sheryl Sandberg (she leaned in to snag a seat this past January), and Alicia Machado. Michelle Obama has also returned to the White House in her new role as Secretary of State, where she is expected to pursue a foreign policy of, “when they go low, we go high”.

Kate McKinnon is rumored to play President Clinton’s double at boring functions that POTUS is uninterested in attending. Alec Baldwin is occasionally employed to heckle McKinnon with calls of a rigged election in his Trump persona, to make the charade more convincing.

A team of White House aides, encouraged by the GOP, has been running e-mail tutorials since President Clinton entered the oval office this past January. The how-to sessions include basic computer skills, and explicit instructions about avoiding personal networks. Robby Mook, a rollover staffer from the Clinton campaign, said, “We are still having trouble with our e-mail system. E-mails seem to just spontaneously delete themselves, and for the life of us we just can’t figure out why.” GOP hardliners are pushing for a switch to carrierpigeons to better protect national secrets. “No one can hack a pigeon,” said Colin Powell, the former U.S. Secretary of State.

The Department of Education was relieved to find its position secure under a Clinton Presidency; voters will recall that the Republican candidate Donald Trump threatened to get rid of them altogether. However, teachers and professors across the nation have been complaining of the new grading reform implemented by President Clinton’s administration. Using fact-checkers to grade all student work has lifted the burden of scoring homework from teachers, and created new jobs. Nonetheless, some complain that such methods are untenable in subjects like foreign language where verb conjugations might not necessarily be “false” but merely “incorrect”.

Our fashion reporter notes that since President Clinton’s election in November, the lady’s pantsuit is riding a wave of popularity in the industry. The trend has even spread to Europe, where the House of Chanel, of course, led the charge. Men’s fashion is gaining serious traction for the first time in America, as males across the nation look to First Gentleman Bill Clinton for trends. Readers can stay on top of Clinton’s news via the First Gentleman’s lifestyle blog and Instagram account, where the First Gentleman often posts snaps of his freshly baked cookies. His vegan chocolate chip cookies have been a major hit with foreign dignitaries.