By Melanie Biles ‘18
Staff Writer

As of last week, we have officially been “in college” for an entire month now. I know, I know, hold your applause; we have accomplished the impossible with grace and aplomb. I understand how impressed you are. Since the function of this section is to give an in-depth review of the true first-year experience, it is thus my duty as your friendly neighborhood staff writer to relay to you the top ten things that I have learned during my first four weeks of school.
1. Do not, under any circumstances ever, let anyone call you a freshman instead of a first year. Make sure to correct any offenders as obnoxiously, loudly, and embarrassingly as possible. Every time a Scripps first-year is called a freshman, the patriarchy wins.
2. I don’t care if it’s 110º outside. You will need a sweatshirt with you when you go inside Garrison for any sort of lecture at any time of day. Actually, you’ll probably need a sweatshirt any time you’re inside of any air-conditioned building. Scripps hasn’t really figured out that whole moderation thing yet.
3. They said, “Don’t worry, you’ll see boys everywhere!” They said, “It’s just like being at a coed school, except for in the dorm!” They said, “There will be boys in all of your classes!” If that’s true, it’s quite interesting how all of the boys in my classes are girls.
4. “The individual is a contingent being created by society and for society” and, “In a Foucauldian sense, ____ is actually quite violent.”
5. There is no wrong time to quit homework and spend three hours watching Netflix in bed. In fact, it is always the right time to quit homework and spend three hours watching Netflix in bed. I recommend Parks and Recreation.
6. “I know you didn’t go out last weekend for _____, but this weekend is _____! Everyone says that it’s going to be the best one yet! You HAVE to go.” Rinse and repeat.
7. Roommates do weird stuff. Like, some days you’ll walk in and your roommate will just be half naked doing yoga on the floor or doing one-armed handstands against the wall or waxing her eyebrows while maintaining direct eye contact. (She didn’t even blink when she ripped the hair out of her face. It was frightening.)
8. After ten at night, any outfit is acceptable for any reason.
9. There should be an app that tells you how crowded each dining hall is at any given time. In its absence, however, it is safe to assume that on a scale from one to actual nightmare, Malott is always going to score pretty far into nightmare category, while the long, adventurous trek to Frank from any other school keeps its population relatively controlled.
10. Nobody has any idea what they’re doing. At all.